I’ve started this post at least three times in the last two weeks. It is hard to explain what I have been feeling lately. 27 days in, and 2020 has already been a rollercoaster. It’s easy to tell hopeful stories when life is going well, but the last month has been rough, to say the least. I promised myself to share struggles and hurts to encourage those around me, but no words seemed to make sense, no matter how many times I tried.
I will start with this. I am very open with my friends and family about my struggle with anxiety. Though I had planned to use this platform to discuss the importance of mental health, I did not think it would be four posts in. Anxiety has always been a part of my personality, in someways. It is my least favorite part about myself, but it is undeniably a part of me. It is as biological as my brown eyes, and as bold as my love for humor. It is both constant and unpredictable, and inevitably shows it’s true colors at the worst time. Many times I have been told “It’s just situational” or “Being anxious is normal”. It is triggered by situations sometimes, and nervousness is a normal human emotion, but that’s not completely accurate for a general anxiety disorder. I’ve also been told to “just give it to God”. That’s about as easy as throwing a cat in a bath tub and saying “just calm down for a second”. If you don’t think God and I have routine conversations about my fears, you are highly mistaken. He always works it out, I have no doubt he will, but that doesn’t stop my friend serotonin from lacking. Having a general anxiety disorder is more than just being nervous or having knots in your stomach during change. It’s crying uncontrollably for hours, completely unprompted. It’s becoming physical ill at the thought of doing anything, sometimes stressful and sometimes mundane. It’s hyperventilating, not eating, eating too much, vomiting, not bathing, bathing too much, chest pains so severe they can be mistaken for heart attacks, insomnia, sleeping all day, zoning out, constant fatigue, memory loss, waking up in a pool of sweat, body aches from tension, and trying to make it to your next breath without collapsing. Sometimes with GAD, if not most times, it’s not your life that is causing this; it’s your brain. Other times, it’s a mixture of both.
In the last month, I’ve had the worst anxiety attacks I’ve ever had, watched friends and family struggle, and prayed for answers. I have been lost, confused, hurt, frustrated, and overall pessimistic, to say the least. Granted, I have gotten so much better, even if I am not where I want to be.
I have been working to make sure I am better for those around me. I have made intentional changes so that I am ready when anxiety strikes again. I am as prepared as I can be for a disorder with no sympathy. I thought I knew exactly what I needed to do. Then, yesterday happened.
Like most of you, I logged onto Twitter, and saw that families lost fathers, mothers, and children in an accident that will live in history. We have all been able to watch as celebrities fall victim of accidents and illness, but yesterday felt different. Yesterday, it wasn’t at the hand of anyone’s wrong doing. Yesterday, there was no one to be angry at. Yesterday, it wasn’t a result of a long battle with disease. Yesterday, it was a father, daughter, and a teammates family, trying to make it to a basketball game.
I do not watch NBA games, unless they happen to be on in my presence, but I knew who Kobe Bryant was. I knew he had made mistakes, like any human. I knew he had just opened a school to give children more opportunities. I knew he had a family, and cherished them. I knew he was a Laker and loved by every basketball fan I know. But, l didn’t know his death would affect me like it did.
I cried for his wife, his young daughters, his teammates, as well as the other victims. I cried as Reed and I read through all the tweets and posts of others finding out every new detail in real time. I cried as the other victims were named, including his 13 year old daughter, another young girl, and her parents. I cried as Alicia Keys gave a beautiful tribute to him at the Grammys, in the stadium he played in for years. I cried when I realized there are still four more victims, who’s names are not being constantly posted about.
“I am alive”, I thought. “At least my family is safe.”
I am not one to encourage comparison of one another to validate and/or discourage feelings, but when I see tragedies such as these, I remember that while my mental stability makes me feel like I’m in the pits of hell, I am not. While anxiety likes to destroy my life, hope cures it. While I think “it can’t get any worse”, I am humbled that, indeed, it can. Tragedies like this one remind us that no one is safe, and in the end, we are human.
Through all the posts of “thoughts and prayers” and remembering his legacy, one post stuck out to me:
“Give them their flowers while they’re here.”
“I am here”, I thought. “I still have time, even if it’s just today.”
I have so much to be grateful for, even if my anxiety tells me I don’t. It could be so much worse than it is, even if it feels like rock bottom. There is so much life to live, even if anxiety says “but that is too scary”.
But I will chose to celebrate life to honor of those who will not get to live it.
I will start:
Saying I love you more, and not just as a greeting or goodbye.
Genuinely thanking people for their impact.
Being grateful for little things in life.
Showing appreciation where it’s due.
Inspiring people.
Spending more time with family and friends.
Thanking God for the minutes I am here, whether they are dark or hopeful.
I will chose to see that while there are hardships in life, there is hope in that pain is temporary.
Tonight, instead of being mad at my husband for playing video games for hours, I thank God he was in the next room.
Today, instead of falling victim of my own fatigue, I got out of bed and made time for my family.
Tomorrow, I will choose to celebrate every positive the world has to offer me, because there is just not near enough time to.
As Albus Dumbledore once said “Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” Light is all around us. You may have to crawl to it, but it is there. Hold on to it, because life is too short not to.